~小さな夢~

2012-01-18T04:19:00.001+08:00

seriously what's the point of staying here anymore. there. im not gonna stay in hall next sem.

誓

2011-12-29T18:26:00.000+08:00

这世上我最爱的人是我的父母亲。我再也不做让他们担心伤心的事了，我发誓。

RANTS

2011-12-26T21:33:00.000+08:00

打了两通电话，没人接，他们应该是放假。还有我比较中意你们发简讯给我，起床吃饭这种事不觉得太琐碎了吗，不用每通电话都问这些吧，不是说不让你们管我说我，但是不要做得那么烦闷好不好。一家人在一起的时候就各做各的，分开了就追命连环打电话，不难受啊，而且打来也只问些有的没的，换了是你们能不烦吗。以上是我的感觉，如果你们觉得我的感觉可以忽略不计那就不要理我，继续没趣下去吧。不要打电话给我！

is what I wanted to tell my parents after being rudely woken up by their phone calls. I am bloody sick and I want to have a couple more hours of sleep and I have to answer their irritatingly repetitive questioning about why I have to sleep so long!!! it's so frustrating that I cried out of frustration, it's like there's nothing I could do to get out of such emotional torture, if I argue I am 不孝, that's the equation they put on me, hello, no democracy and freedom of speech???

nuf said, I didn't send the sms eventually, considering they would feel
hurt and take it the wrong way and try harder to interact with me and call me
more, I shall bring this up when it's less damaging.

fucking hate to be sick.

and @stepf if u read this, don't question me cuz I hate it when ppl question my feelings.

the bkk trip was one of the worst trip I've ever had, I don't blame you, but that doesn't change the fact that I was very disappointed and felt let down many times. (I may regret saying this) but while you were out watching pingpong show I was crying my eyes out in the hotel room. I cry because even though I understand the situation I can't help feeling like shit. I cry because I never wanted to share the attention that I get, I never wanted only 50% of your attention (don't get all
defensive here, I know u tried).

lesson learned: never ever try to dump yourself in a situation that you have no control over. I should stop being so stupid and trust that everything will turn out just fine, because it doesn't work that way.

chill pill

2011-12-04T22:47:00.004+08:00

i guess this whole thing isn't really that important to me, and now that it feels kinda shitty is coz i expected ppl to be wowed by my creation but actually half-hearted work can never win any appraisals. I just feels kinda weird coz how did i come to think that that kind of effort can be put out and why was i so demoralized that i cannot make it any better?

ok i shall chill.

and start thinking about choreos for impresario.

and was glad that dismas praised me, happy. guess hard work pays off.

must work harder!

Rejected

2011-09-29T20:51:00.001+08:00

It's time all these stopped. The part of me stopping myself should stop. It's time to pour in 110% to live fully. And rejection KMA, I don't feel you anymore, so you don't matter.

OOOH

2011-08-21T00:16:00.001+08:00

Just realized I forgot to post this:

MY BABY!!!!
After finishing with it, I basically never touched it anymore, kinda felt really tired seeing it day after day for about a month. Gosh I took long to make this, I really need to be more efficient.

Oh dam

2011-08-01T01:22:00.003+08:00

Identity crisis??

How I envy people like , , and . like the petite feminine sort of people, who kind of gets whatever they want? and i don't know, i over generalize, lead a pretty PRETTY life.

yea i get it, thanks for all the encouragement people, I have improved by leaps and bounds...but still...its peanuts compared to them people. And nobody gives a shit about me when I'm around them, I am sure, even though I am not around them, but I presume. Not that I want to be the centre of attention, actually I hate to be, I'd rather not be noticed most of the time, due to unconscious urge to blend-in...but I have come to learn that good looks make life easier, and hence, I am at a crossroad and having a slight identity crisis. what should i pursue now???? life of glamour, life that I envied endlessly? or the life that I lead, the comfortable, shit-i'm-too-lazy-to-dress-so-i-wear-my-pyjamas life? I like the latter, but the latter does not bring me exciting opportunities...sad to say...

but, the big-eyes, pout and squeeze boobs is really not my thing...i cringe at the thought of me doing it...

damn I should be a guy...guys really have it soooo much easier...

musings aside, CITY HUNTER is super nice! and the GUY, whatever his name is, is SOOO MY TYPE WAKAKAKA, many people's type Ithink, but WOAAAHHH, i drool...hahaha

And on a side note, I met this crazy old man in the novena underpass today, who used all words from the vulgar dictionary on me, and called me a bitch unfitting to be a lady. SHIT UR FACE man, I am so big hearted I did not reply any vulgarities but only told him to shuddup. WTH, scold me also must pay money one lor. I want to punch his face into the ground so badly but I humji coz I can't fight. Which leads me to my next endeavor, I shall learn some basic martial arts, to be prepared, just in case I meet such kiampa people, I dun have to hold back.

Dead fish syndrome

2011-07-08T15:13:00.003+08:00

Dear blog,
I have neglected you for long, for I was enjoying my holidays doing work that I like very much. The reason for blogging at this time, while I am supposed to be at work, which I am, but I need to pen down these thoughts just in case this happens again, I have reference.

I am, I announce, experiencing DEAD FISH SYNDROME. I period of having no excitement, no dread, no passion, no dread, just deadfishfloatingkindofstuff. I don't know why this syndrom, but it just hit me and I am suffering badly.

It's different from having bad thoughts, bad feelings. It's like having no thoughts, no feelings, and it's so frightening!

I need to constantly source for excitement to keep myself away from this feeling, but being a boring shitty person like myself, I fail to sustain the enthusiasm, and fall back into the continuum of "floating along".

I want to achieve, at least accomplish something at the end of this internship, but at the rate I'm going, I am not so hopeful.

I don't know whether I am giving myself too high expectations and not delivering it, or just am I too chui, and not cut out for this line of work. I really don't know.

But I am glad that I had this experience and I wish I had made some contributions to the community here, because they really do inspire me alot. seeing them I want to be even more awesome. I really do.

I guess this dead fish syndrom is first step after being so awe-inspired, the self-reproaching stage and beating-myself-up-over-incapabilities...damn, i should stop feeling so self-important! damn.

feel like nu hou-ing again.

okay, back to work, i am going to finish building today's page!

2011-06-20T00:51:00.002+08:00

Oh man, I'm feeling shitty after dance again, and I'm dreading work tomorrow.

I'M SO SO SO JEALOUS OF ALEX'S GIRLFRIEND! HMFFFFFFF!!! But can't do anything. Today Alex demo spotting, and he SPOT TMD ME, just blush and paiseh on the spot, grrrr

Mental note to keep stretching everyday and up my stamina and strength level coz really I am too nua, "like this how to audition?" wow thn u just run off halfway go holiday thn leave us to train by ourselves, I feel kinda betrayed :( but ew what can i do?? i'm gonna get better and better and better, until I am not scared anymore.

Yesterday was awesome tho, wack dance classes from 1130 all the way till 730, was not shagged, still can chiong to bugis to eat steamboat. but today is the nua, mostly coz of upset stomache and slight cramps and uurgh ill-treatment at dance.

cannot take it!! Alex is too awesome! i am friggin jealous :(:(:(

rarrr

this is frustrating

2011-06-05T23:28:00.002+08:00

It is the recurring time of my life that I am feeling again NOT GOOD ENOUGH, for work, for dance, and for attaining inner satisfaction. I guess this is good because I want to be better now. and I did not realize that Alex has given me a platform to BE BETTER, until he scolded us, i think me especially, today. man, it still feels horrible, because I had taken for granted that he chose us, and that would mean we are good enough for his choreo, but no. he chose us because he thinks we can do it, but we must show him that we want it, I want it! I want to become a better dancer! Really. Dancing makes me feel more than I am, it takes me into realms of emotions that I in reality will not experience. I do want to do it, I really do. Despite all the setbacks, I cannot do a freaking damn turn without losing focus and falling apart. I cannot let go enough because I just can't. I quote myself "When in doubt, just whack" I must not lose faith in myself, and I must firmly believe that if I do it enough times, I will get it! When I first started dancing, I had no idea that I was entering a journey of hardship, endurance and discipline. Now I know, I am scared, but I am anything but a quitter. Come what may, I will emerge only stronger.

2011-06-02T09:08:00.001+08:00

I refuse to go to work today because I am going to die flat and public infront of like 50 odd people of embarrassment actually. my slides are far from done omg, i am going to kill myself seriously i dun wanna go i dun wanna go i dun wanna go!

2011-05-29T02:33:00.002+08:00

One way to measure maturity could be watching "Game of thrones" and not flinch at all. Yup I am mature alright.
"Game of thrones", till now I wonder why the appearance of the white monsters in the first episode, but other than that the story is getting better. Lots of fucking (fuoking as they pronounce it), blood, gore and violence, really lots of it. It is the story of an epic kingdom fueled by love and hate that intertwines among seven families. oh and not to mention, incest, one of the anchors of the story, prince of the kingdom is the son of the queen and her brother, wtf. Just luan qi ba zao the relationships. Anyway, yar, there are lots and lots of blood and violence, and just the last episode, one annoying character just died with molten gold on his head. which is quite funny coz he was threatening his tribal queen sister about getting his traded army from her tribal husband, he want his crown and blah blah blah. he is really super irritating and always talking about being a king and getting his kingdom back, and being super cruel to his sister. and fittingly he was killed by his own lack of lovable qualities I think.
I find these medieval serials very attractive suddenly and I'm venturing into genres that I used to avoid, like violence and horror. Now I think it is equally difficult ot make a good horror movie as a good comedy movie, to avoid getting cheesy and all. Did I mention I watched "THE Exorcist" all by myself, because my Dad decide to pangseh me 5min into the show, I bet he was secretly scared, but haha.

2011-05-12T21:25:00.000+08:00

okay. last night was dumb. i swear i will not club again.

2011-05-10T17:01:00.001+08:00

let's just say my course is not the wrong course, but there are more righter courses which were not available at the time of decision 2 years ago. Now what choices do I have??

I lost 2 things and I really don't feel anything

2011-05-08T23:44:00.003+08:00

First thing I lost: a friend. not a friend anymore though.
How to lose a friend?
Stop caring.
Why lose a friend?
Too much disappointment and too many promises broken.
How did it feel?
Nothing.

The first person I have decided to 绝交. Peacefully, and one-sidedly. Shall make it a point to be the last.

Second thing I lost: my speakers.
Oh man, second time I lose something on the cab. Forgot to bring it down after I heaved out my huge suitcase. Lost count of the number of luggages I have. was just too tired to be alert I guess. Freaking spent after dance class today, freaking full-out*one hundred million times. Alex is sadistic. Gonna miss taking his classes after the course ends. Oh well, onward to pole-dancing!! weee

Yes shifted back to my lovely room. its damn cozy and nice now, and wonderful aircon I love you to bits. Haaaa...so awesome to have this break to nua and do my own thing at home. And jobs will come later. looking forward to a week of relaxation.

2011-05-01T15:21:00.000+08:00

i am sometimes quite insensitive :(

thoughts

2011-04-30T21:20:00.003+08:00

just some random thoughts that i want to jot down:

who am I kidding when I tell people I don't need a relationship. Yes actually I don't need a relationship, but I need love. and I figure it's about time that I go out and find it. It's not sufficient a reason anymore, that I don't have because I didn't go out to find. It is precisely why you don't have, because you didn't bother to find. And now the focus is, why didn't you find? Because I thought I didn't need one, but now I reckon I do need, and so I will remind myself timely that I should, and proactively so, find.

which brings me to my second thought, I will find someone with equal or higher intellectual levels, because it'd be boring with someone not. and by intellectual levels, it does not refer to only academic, but the wholesome intelligence collected over 20+ years of living and experiencing. Read, wholesome. Not that I judge my parents, but the knowledge gap is big, and it is unfortunate for the higher level because it's always colder and lonelier for the one on top. and not so lonely for the one lower because there's abundance and ignorance. Really, I'm not judging, but I will not repeat it in my relationship.

And I lament again at why people would rather live and skirt around when there's an obvious big fat elephant in the room. I hate such situations. if I can and not come across as rude, I will point it out and say "shit u, there's a big fat elephant, why don't we get it out and carry on with our lives", won't that feel a lot easier and how will being the first to point it out be related to your pride in anyway???? I don't get it. well I do, but I think everybody should just live life with more honesty and seriously have straighter innards.

which brings me to the topic of promise and commitments. seriously, I quote from some movie I've watched "words fall from our mouths and die at our feet". Not to mention that we talk a lot of really useless shit (there are good shit), we promise and take our promises toooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO very lightly that one shouldn't even call it a promise anymore! And especially when the promise is monetarily or emotionally attached, because these are the two things people are jumpy and serious about. If you can't meet that promise, don't make it! If you made a promise, keep it! It's commitment made to someone, and it only goes to show that the someone don't matter a shit if your promise don't matter a shit. Refering to ongoing situation, if I ever gonna be a tenant at someone's house, I will hand in my rent on the dot, best that I can. I will prepare the rent days ago, put it in an envelope and give it to my landlord the first chance I can. If I am in a difficult situation, I will take my initiative to tell my landlord that I am tight, and I will give it in with details of date and time that I know that I will be able to fulfill. Ever heard the story of the kid who cried wolf? You only have 3 chances before your credibility is gone. It's either your credibility doesn't matter to you or the person doesn't matter to you.

and brings me to punctuality. I am cutting this bad habit of being late. and I hope my friends whom I go out with will cut it too. because time is important, I could have spent that time waiting for you doing something else, and of course vice versa. I will wait and be understanding if you were held up for countable good reason, I will take it personal, I will take it that I don't mean a shit to you, if you just did not bother to turn up because you overslept, you couldn't get your ass to move, you were LAZY! omg I hate that as an excuse. not saying that I am perfectly punctual all the time, in fact I was late for many times for many things, and I feel super guilty coz it's like having double standards. I will kick it. I very very will.

not forgetting to mention feedly, this awesome chrome extension. I love it to bits! I could read all my favourite feeds all at one place. and tumblr, god i love tumblr. yup off to reading interactive computer graphics! i only have 6 more days to exam.

PS:
forgot to add, the reason why I wanted to blog today. Watched "Maid in Manhattan" for the probably 4th time, because it was showing on HBO, god I love that channel. It's an inspiring movie! the point of the movie makes me understand that one shouldn't be judged by the work he/she does, referring to the less desirable jobs. Because it only happens to certain people to be lucky enough to actually end up doing something he/she wanted. Most people don't have a choice. Because reality is never a choice. And when I graduate, I would have to be able to put food on the table, to pay my bills, to buy myself all the stuff that I wanted. Because one should be accountable for oneself. And although being a maid is by some social standards not a proud career choice, it does not give anyone the slightest reason to judge their character based on their jobs, and neither give anyone the excuse to neglect basic manners and respect.

Secondly, the movie strengthened my belief that it definitely pays to stay real and not a phony. It really is a lot easier and phonies are irksome.

thirdly, being REALLY good (not in comparative sense, but absolute sense) at what you do, is only the quickest way to get you somewhere.

and that movie made my day. yay

OLLO

2011-04-25T18:02:00.002+08:00

I haven't written a post in a long time (the previous post doesn't count). And here I feel that I have something I need to pen down or type out, after watching this:

I mean, haven't this become a cliche? that we talk so much about it, about seizing the moment, about being the best you can while you are at it. And whenever I hear about it, think about it, I ask whether I am doing it? I answer no. Why is it so difficult to pick up and just do something that you know you want to do it? Why bother doing things that don't matter? why think that that someone will always be there? I don't know, this way of life is too embedded and too difficult to change. I wish I had taken up alot more things just so fail at it, really. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, at least I have tried, and even though I fail at it once, twice, I still do enjoy it, don't I? I have no regrets getting lousy CAP since year 1 sem 1, coz now I can tell you how it feels to have an impetus, and having a lousy CAP is by no means any sin, and by no means any measure of my character (it only says I wasn't into studying in year 1). oh god, but what about that amazing person I want to be???? When do I begin being that person?? When do I start being me?? I find myself amazing, at times, but only at times. I do think I am rather selfish and narcissistic possibly, and maybe too anal and judgmental most of the time. I realize this is a jumpy post, as if I am talking to myself, which I did about 2 hrs ago coz i was bored from studying HUman Resource Management, I began talking to myself, and I rather liked talking to myself except I always derail and end up talking about something totally irrelevant. I rather be the listener when talking to other people, this doesn't mean I have nothing to share, I just want to know more about other people than I want them to know about me, but if they wanna know more about me, I guess I will disclose with no inhibitions and that probably will be a little bit scary and awkward coz i just say whatever comes to mind, and don't remind me how i was telling this cute junior about my urine test, i was appalled by myself. anyway, back to mugging.

Fake shit

2011-04-08T02:28:00.002+08:00

I abhore hall. All the glamour, fun and bullshit family away from home, is at the end, just bullshit. I want my peace and quite and maybe just one soulmate, i dunnid so many fake shit so-called friends, I'm sorry I am irritated, but yes I dun want the fake shit people who circulate around like flies hovering around shit. it is tiring and it drains the shit out of me, and I fucking don't like it.

a feeling that is neither here nor there

2011-04-06T00:49:00.002+08:00

I feel tons of things and nothing at the same time. Life throws me weird things and weird situations. I'm torn between the facade of hall life and reality of real family and real friends and a real life. I don't know, sometimes things are just there within my reach, I know I could grasp it if I just reached out, but I am timid, I am shy, I choose to stay in my shell and wait for it to take me by force and sweep me off my feet. I'm sorry I may appear aloof, cock up, whatever...

anw second command in hall, i cry because i hate departures, and i hate the aftermath of crying. renying not staying already, one less real friend in hall, already missing all the late night runs and suppers with her. :( sad that benedict is gone too. just like how gerald sim is gone and he didn't come back. :(

back to webcasts i guess, only real thing that I have in my hands now are them, homework and knowledge...let the fleeting come to me...and my eyes cannot open anymore...

I swear this is the worst

2011-03-31T11:27:00.002+08:00

this is the worst feeling ever, I am slowly giving up my integrity and pride in change for academic marks, and I am afraid that I'd get caught. I feel like just throwing it all away and depend on me myself and code it out using my own knowledge, skills and whatsoever. Been asking myself, whether this is what I really want? and each time I answered yes, so why do I no thrive in it? Because of laziness? too much pride to handle failure? I am all torn up because this really is what i want to do, and now I am afraid of it...I keep telling myself "prize to the person who don't give up", guess I just did when I decided I will rely on someone else's code just to get myself through this assignment. I have no morals, I have no self, I have no face to tell myself that I am proud of who i am. yet, I really find no drive to push myself through this by myself anymore....someone save me....

dance is my escape, i wanna dance till all this, goes away.......

aha

2011-03-24T02:17:00.001+08:00

i run away and hide :D
looking forward to hols.
earn money and learn things.
awesome possumzzz

i dont wanna fall into the same situation again

2011-03-23T19:26:00.002+08:00

zwy stay strong. don't cry, don't be sad, be focused, and concentrate on fulfilling yourself. mark clear your goals and don't be distracted. if it's meant to be, it will be. go go jiayou!

outlet

2011-03-20T02:54:00.002+08:00

one should be grateful to have outlets for emotions. i am grateful i have people who listens to my shit, and tries to clear the shit for me; i am grateful for inanimate objects that will put up with whatever shit i have, even though i seldom go down this route. NO this is not an emo post, i was merely pissed off earlier. guess i should be thankful that at least they brought it upfront, not behind my back, i absolutely hate that and cannot stand it. If only everybody is more frank and more open about their own opinions, i think the world might be a little bit better. imagine voicing out ur disagreements when u really do disagree with something, straightforward like a fucking straightline right, makes things so much simpler for everybody. even if facing strong opposing forces, u try to disagree as strongly, even if in the end you don't get your way, at least the other party knows that u disagree, and with some conscience and understanding, they can do some compromise to accommodate, at least they have the option. if you don't voice out at all, and choose to suffer in silence thinking how self-sacrificing you are, you are messing up all the straightlines, and making it more complicated than it should be, which is dumb. i sometimes feel some people nowadays really take their own promises too lightly, and credit really dun mean a shit anymore. i miss the time when people really honour their words, the best horse cannot chase back a gentleman's promise. seriously the honorable human qualities are disappearing. once again, i am not emo, i am not unhappy, i am just lamenting how warped the world is. not saying that im right all the time, or this time round, but even a bit of "hey i got ur back" kind of thing would have been great, where's our sense of community if we even have one to begin with.

KRDP is awesome

2011-03-06T11:16:00.002+08:00

its over...sigh of relief that it went awesome and well and ended nicely with a proposal. omg it's a sight of human emotional uproar...idk how to put it into nicer words, i just kept crying and crying nonstop because its just tear-beckoning. on a personal note, i feel accomplished, i rmb telling myself that i want to be part of DU after watching it last year, and here I performed in KR's first ever dance production and it feels awesome to follow something through from beginning to end. and performing on stage is exhilarating, the adrenaline, the energy, the attention, i want them all over and over again!Next time, I want THE LIMELIGHT!And being part of something so big and wonderful is, and forever, special and inscribed in memory. i will continue dancing, and become an awesome dancer, because dancing makes me feel alive, and everyone should dance, the most beautiful physical emotion. i feel humbled and awesome at the same time. dddddd!

ZWY wth are u doing???

2011-02-24T00:55:00.002+08:00

ZWY wth are you doing???
You are not focussed, u are procrastinating, u are everything but the thing that you want to be. Do you think that ur time is neverending? what if today's the last day u have?? what if you don't wake up tmr?? why are u wasting time doing things that don't matter? what do you want out of this life??? u have gone through qlc, and you know what you want, OBVIOUSLY, and yet, what have you done about it?? nothing?? u are a pile of useless living piece of shit. u don't push urself for anything? din u want to make tons of good friends? and what have you? playing emo and aloof in one corner waiting for people to approach you? u completely know how to go out and be yourself, and yet time and time again, u coop urself up in that useless cage and refuse to go out. what the fucking shit are u doing??? i am appalled at you, and i am angry at you. whatever u have now reflects who u are, and what u don't have u want but don't have also reflects who you are. its not about looks, not about money, not about what u wear and what u carry, it's about what you do, what you say, how you do it and how u say it. u have a conscience, and u know that whatever u are doing now, is not good for yourself. please, always be humble and proactive, that is what u should be. always...not just infront of people, always, all the time...zwy, time is not gonna wait for you...u know that and u will do that. and be that awesome person u want to be. stop stopping halfway and not finishing what u started. zwy discipline, discipline. don't make me do this again.

ralala

2011-02-18T23:46:00.002+08:00

i exclaim once again that time pass so freaking fast that it pisses me off. its recess week already yo, and DP is in just 2 weeks time, to think the first prac for DP was during culture night period, omg, so long ago!
I joined DU combined item, and hopefully SAD too, shall zam dance perf this sem coz next sem most likely not staying in hall anymore, so just ZAM.
dance every day nxt week, I am excited...amazingly. and I can't wait to appear on stage in my air stewardess costume, :D, midrift ftw.
need to apply internship soon.
need to study more.
what else
my grandmother is flying back soon. I totally havn't spent much time with her this time, and I am guilty of intentionally escaping from her, coz idk, sometimes she could be a little too intense, and too much sadness for me to bear i thought. but i am regretful most of the times, coz who's to say there will be a next time? emo...i want to spend my days at home suddenly...but at least she's coming to watch me perform on stage, i would give my best even if it's just to give her something to remember of me...
i feel the weight of so many things, responsibilities that fall on you, that you take up, that u unwillingly take up, that you want to throw away but cant...yadda yadda and more...I find my escapism in watching movies that once inspired me, that gives me the push to pursue my dream...such will keep me going.
everyone is going through some mindless boggling time now i feel, and such escapism as movies and dance keeps us sane...thank god for these precious times.

woosh

2011-02-15T02:57:00.003+08:00

time flies, and its been so long since i last blogged, rocky horror show...seems like so long ago...even Taiwan seemed so long ago. seriously, life is getting on my nerves, can things ever please slow down for a sec, and lemme take it in slowly?? things change, people changed, I changed...I'm glad I've had this blog for so long, I constantly need to check back to regain myself, tell myself who I am...where my bearings are.

I wonder whether it is social pressure or what not, I suddenly feel like I want a boyfriend, like seriously want one coz I want one not because everybody else has one. I guess it's probably time, I grow up so slowly I want to slap myself. But this is genetics, my Mom and Dad are childish people even at their age, I really shouldn't be blamed.

it's hard to take in what people think of me now, some part of me wants to answer to their expectations and be what they expect me to be. I know visually I have improved somewhat and shifted mainstream, but I am still that mix of boyish and girly piece of shit I ever was. looking back, I wonder why did I take the asexual path I took years back, probably coz of rebellion, going the extreme coz parents dun want me to become a vain kid, so I just became a boy. I was suddenly reminded of sec3 pasts, about tyler, and the online friends that I got to know...just bittersweet memories of growing up...my youthful days, I now view with respect...how did I ever dared to do all those things, I have no idea...

...
i am appalled by myself...i signed up for twitter...i have no morals...
twitter turn out to be exactly what i thought it was, an eviler version of facebook, much more...it allowed me to see how bored everybd is and how much attention people need to live on...i am appalled that i broke my abstinance and i am such a loser to succumb to curiosity and equal yearn for attention.

My Sweet Transvestite

2011-01-17T01:24:00.002+08:00

Went to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Yijun just now. I feel surreal now, like can't remember whether I really did watch it. Probably cause my second best seats were in the second level, the stage was far away. Should totally get first level front seats so can interact with the characters, it was damn funny. Oh well, no complains, it was a good musical, anyway, and I had a great time. The cast really look like nothing down-stage, like normal, and the main tranny was a huge muscular man, just cannot make the link. will watch it again when chance comes. apparently people watch it over and over again, and do things like flashing their torchlights during the song (something about lights), and people throw toilet paper up onto the stage, just that it wasn't like everybody doing it, only a couple, would have been awesome if I could throw something too, but I was too far. great show great show

MIDRIFT

2011-01-15T15:03:00.002+08:00

i am going to die of embarrassment because I have to bare my pale fat stomach to the whole world for DP, with fluttering thighs thrown in along. god help me, gimme amazing abs in 2 months, and resilience against attacks of the taiwan.

going to taiwan in counting just 5 days! omg, i am numbed with excitement. I feel like one million things, i feel like a bottle of half-drunk yoghurt smoothie. aha. bet u cant understand that. my intellectual exceeds u beyond longing reach.

back home aft one week of hall, ha, the recharge centre, except for constant drum of pessimistic grandmother talk, i love home. cant imagine if i cant get NOC next yr and not staying in hall no more, my life will be devoted to the singapore transport system. no f u, no.

im sorry this is an aimless post, because my brain is in a hunger spree, from starving myself, no lunch but yoghurt smoothies. fml. well in exchange for the meat sale, i get to keep the sponsored chio white LOJEL luggage. im easily bought i realized.

i look like a retard while dancing

2011-01-02T02:58:00.002+08:00

I am obsessed with the dance prac videos, I review them like a hundred million times and I ridicule myself each and everytime. ok, sometimes I smug a little when I did smth when I thought I couldn't do. BUT, largely, most of the time, I look retarded, mother shit, I am pissed with myself. I neeeed to lose weight, wtf, fat shit, I look like double everybody else's size, and I move SLOWWWWW, omg, feel like slapping myself into shape and slapping myself into quick movements. Rarr, pissed with myself.

1/1/2011

2011-01-01T16:44:00.003+08:00

ahh how nice, the first day of 2011. I totally don't feel anything different. Fireworks last night was awesome, love fireworks, so visually stunning. I am a visual person btw. and JESS, we survived the test, and onward to TAIWAN!!!

ahh, i am not trying to be racist, but waking to malay tunes at a malay wedding down at the voideck, not necessary the most poetic thing to start off the year, and listening to it the whole day is increasingly annoying. I wonder whether any concern for the community is there when they hold their wedding. Not trying to dampen their spirits or anything, but its just noisy.

anyway, been reading the book Wild Swans by Doctor Jung Chang, made me think alot differently about my parents, and myself, and ultimately my country. I am indeed lucky to be born after the terrifying years of internal struggle, of famine, of Cultural Revolution, of the personality cult of Mao ZeDong. Several times I was brought to tears by the images the book presented, about how far humanity was stretched in times of total obscenity. How Mao had manipulated the people for the worst just to remain in control. I wonder whether he ever regretted his decisions, because being a man in power, his one word could have repercussions so farreaching, even I, not born in his time of power, lived under his influence and had my life lived directly in reaction to him. The fact that I have no siblings is because of him, the fact that I am in a foreign is again because of him, the fact that I look back to a painful past in my country is also very much because of him. Once again, it is ultimately annoying when u can't hate someone completely and indignantly, despite his wrongs, he had his rights that were equally undeniable. It's hard to find an equilibrium for the feelings I have about him.

Not given a choice actually, we all who were born in China have to carry the consequences of choices made before us.

2010-12-30T12:52:00.000+08:00

Meh I can't believe I am still pissed at the Indian owner of the second hand book store, he freaking blindly charge me so much for 3 torn and tattered books, I might as well go buy new ones right. Granted that they are literature and a copy of HP7, but fact is they are really in bad conditions and you have so many copies of each that the price is just outrageous, somemore the books might just sit thr forever, you never know when you will meet the next buyer what, what a lousy business man. The last time I sold my books to that store they bought at 1 dollar each WTF just kena ripped off, Whr got ppl so shamelessly charge so high and try to earn 600% profit from second hand books. Obviously they don't get the concept of selling second hand books, the main point is to sell it damn freaking cheap so that the copy can be circulated and not go to waste sitting on shelf and yellow. Aargh, I wish I had the guts to yell at the guy, and demand my cheap torn books and emerge victorious from this battle of finding the dirt cheap good stuff, shit. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stop singing 'thank u's, freaking fake and patronizing, somemore can tell me 'I am the boss, I set the price' fuck u la, must be u murdered the kind old Indian man who ripped me off last time but sold me books at dirt cheap price, and took over the shop right. Unbelievable man, this is NOT the way to run a second-hand store! It is not about profits anymore okay!

Damn freaking cold sitting outside nlb, it's probably colder than sitting inside, aaargh.
Ranting makes me feel better, although still very cold!!!!

QLC like totally conquered!

2010-12-27T00:45:00.002+08:00

At age 22, I have a dream.
I want to be a Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar animator!

I felt smothered earlier, because it seems my life is at a crossroad right now. I feel enormous needs that pull and push me in different directions.

Inspired by many sources, I believe that fulfilling a lifelong dream is worth a lifetime's devotion, and finding that dream is like finding the air to breath. I had tons of dreams, and its today, just minutes ago, that I finally decided, that my dream is to become an animator. (said with poise and determination) Been writing down quotes by Henry David Thoreau, about dreams, how life is like a bird with broken wings when there is no dream...it feels like some kind of poetic coincidence that I was thinking about dreams and feeling smothered just recently, and suddenly I found my outlet and my answer.

At age 22, I cried like a baby in my mother's arms. I can't imagine the shame, but yet I felt so loved. Despite my grumpiness and irritable mannerism, and constant complaints about how utterly annoying my aging parents are, they kind of like saw through me instantly, even though in the beginning I thought otherwise and accused them of being distant. I guess they know me better than I know myself. There are many things that I can't bring myself to talk about without endangering my pride and ego. But now Im thinking otherwise, maybe it would be better if I could just open up and try, try to talk about the things that used to haunt me, try to step out, like really step out. I realized I never did so even though I always thought I did.

These few days, I felt smothered by thoughts, emotions, and anti-thoughts and anti-emotions. Non of which I quite mentioned to anybody. Because I firmly believe somethings are better left unsaid. Like the fact that I don't want to always be keeping my grandmother company. (which now seemed like a willful childish thought)
How weird is it that whenever I thought I am finally different, finally a grown up, things turn on me and make me realize that I am still me.

I realize it is always so much easier to be criticizing others than urself, and i always find it really hard to accept criticism, maybe I had always secretly believed that I am too wonderful for flaws. Suddenly I feel like writing a dissection post about my innermost fears and most shameful secrets. I tried to once, but I gave up midway because I find it so difficult.

Anyway, my dream. I was so afraid that what I am learning now is far from being relevant to what I want to be. Although not totally relevant, it is still within the field and applicable, so I guess I did make the right choice then, even though I am gradually destroying my academic pride as I see my results in their utmost honesty. Well actually I anticipated them to turn out like that, because I am guilty of flippant commitment, I had always been reluctant to go the distance for my studies. For god knows why, I just do not want to push myself even though I know that it is entirely within my capabilities, I just consciously did not want to. But now, I have a gameplan. My 5 year plan, MY PLAN (so i call it). Which I will illustrate on paper, and illustrate everywhere I can find the space. And it is the GOAL. wait for it...

each time I cry, I end up totally not understanding why I cried in the first place. The trigger for this one was because my Dad was angry at me for being disrespectful and I was angry at him for being angry at me. And when the tears started flowing, more things flowed out, and I am astonished that it was all these things that were weighing on me inwards instead of the petty quarrel between my and my Dad, which is totally not worth crying over.

Anyhow, I have a dream now. I feel so happy. Genuinely happy. Like HAPPY happy. And my measurable efforts, I will, I confirm guarantee chop, will make it come true, if its the only thing I ever want to do.

I can have a myriad hobbies, but I only have one goal. THE ANIMATOR.

I don't want to be programmer, I don't want to be in advertising, I don't want to work in a bank, a restaurant, a telco, a lab, NO, I want to be an Animator working in a Studio, like really awesome Studio!

The hunger for achievement and the fear of in-achievement will keep me on my track. No, I don't hope, I know it will. Like cliche but screw u, it will means it will.

Finally I get the feeling that things are starting to work out for me. 20 years into my life, I finally feel this way. This is indeedly amazing, I cannot stop expressing my awe, my joy, my thumping nerves. Suddenly my future seems all so exciting!

I have a DREAM!

2010-12-26T20:40:00.002+08:00

what's that word again? oh yes, smothered. I FEEL SMOTHERED. LIKE I CANNOT BREATHE!
sadly, my family is killing me slowly as they unconsciously try to SMOTHER me. zzz. i need my independence, i need my freedom, NOC come quick!

2010-12-25T13:10:00.001+08:00

ehehe this is pretty funny, just watch the full one, kind of lame funny. I really wanna be in this

perfectionist

2010-12-25T00:30:00.002+08:00

i can't stand it when people talk to me in sugar-coated ways or having some agenda. why can't people just cut straight to the point omg. idk sometimes i get the feeling that they are trying to impress me, but all the more i am unimpressed, just you know say what u really want to say???? do i look like i am a three year old who needs to be cajoled, or worse be explained to in simple-belittling-language, into believing something??? would i mind if u are really a boring person and u tell me that u are a boring person?? no. i will mind if u are a really boring person but keep trying to bore me by telling me u are not boring. rarr. its so hard to be a nice person! i want to be nice and smiling and gentle, but no, world allows me no choice to be nice, i can only blame my screwed up genetics maybe. "no kitchen very hot one" wtf...simigl...i am not 3 years old please..........

Childish

2010-12-23T23:12:00.002+08:00

My Dad is angry at me for nothing, if that is what is seems to be. And honestly I can't be bothered to find out what nothing is. I dunno, call me defiant or unfilial, I really just had too much of it. I just don't care anymore. Although it still somewhat upsets me, because it makes me feel inadequate, afar from the ideal daughter he has in mind. I'm sorry I'm so useless that I can't impress you in any ways, let alone live up to that expectation. I tried, but failed, I am as imperfect as I am perfect. I like the way I am, chill and carefree, and I don't want to be tied down by EXPECTATIONS wtf. It's like the more I try to break out of it, the tighter it holds on, and coming from my own parents. Is it fair to expect someone else to do your job when you can't do it? It is not fair, but it doesn't hurt for a couple of times, but it is not fine if you blame that someone for failing at a task that you should do? Idk, it's my father I'm talking about. Sometimes I am resentful for all the indirect pain he caused me. Like growing up in a foreign country, and growing up among peers younger than me. I didn't have a say in anything, and I had to bear with all the pain of those decisions. I know it sounds selfish and childish now that I am putting blames on my Dad when his intentions were nothing but good, and he for sure went through so much more than me, but I'm sorry I can't help it, if I can't express it here, I will implode with it. Who knows who would I have become if I were back home? Probably some successful prodigy in everything, who knows. But now, at such senior age, I try to pick up things I should have started learning 10 years ago? Perseverance much? Sometimes it just weighs on me, and I feel so inferior. Compared to who I could have been. Sigh. Be angry at me by all means if it makes you happier, younger, whatever. I just don't fucking give a damn.

Ramble on

2010-12-20T21:21:00.002+08:00

I have no idea how I spent my last week. yes I had two camps back to back, but now it just seems like a misty memory that I sometimes ask whether I made that all up. Memory failing like fk. but anyways, rekindled enthusiasm for windsurfing, which I still think its damn cool, and was glad that the peeps there are kind of funny and friendly. eat, sleep, windsurf...hehe.

results tomorrow, zomfg, nvm, I survived my first sem, I will survive this sem and the sems to come.

have this sense of perpetual tiredness, bahhh, getting old, aching bones, and wobbling fats, why can't i be skinny and beautiful.

finally gao ding my taiwan trip, push back all the way until 20th Jan wts, stupid visa stupid visa stupid visa, i curse you to infinity. Time to scringe and save and stop buying things, and buy everything one shot from taiwan muahahaha. I have learnt so many things out of this ordeal of planning an overseas trip, I realized how totally noob i was, and mark this I am going to be streamline zai in trips to come.

my grandmother is here, she is loveable and cute, haha, love the way she laughed while bursting bubble wraps. gotta squeeze out more time to spend with her. saw her cancer scar this morning, i can't describe it, I don't even know what that feeling is when I stared at it. anyhow I am so glad that she is in rosy health now at the age of 80.

well, when she's here cant quite avoid the topic of my goddamned stupid asshole cousin, the tiniest mention of him can piss me off so much, I really really hate this person. I hate him more than the petty theft who cheated me 3000 bucks. i hate him more than the stupid person who screwed me up and left me there. I hate him more than the annoying classmate who called me a 'parasite'. i hate him more than the shithole who stole my laptop. i wish every terrible thing to happen to him, because someone as lousy as him deserve no good. anyways i am so sure that he will eat his own mess up one day because i firmly believe evil begets evil, and he who so evil will get some sort of retribution.

phew...delete stupid thoughts. urgh.
have got so many things to do, can't wait to start my coolio job, weehee, kind of like the coolest job i have ever done. weeee. and pretty good money. alios.

fuck sian

2010-12-12T00:54:00.001+08:00

i dance like a retard

Exams long over

2010-12-03T21:25:00.002+08:00

never ever go on a holiday with a passport like mine, it is so much trouble, and anxiety and determination and more trouble. I feel bad to have my friend put up with all the shit my passport issues cause me and subsequently us. Thn again, I have never had a trip like this before, I am determined to make it happen. Also, I need to earn money, but school stuff, more precisely hall stuff is making it difficult, I don't even know the FULL schedule yet, zomg...money money, I NEED money, and I am not a rich kid even though I always fantasize so, but I am a poor kid so I should behave like a poor kid and start earning money, start saving on meals and starving myself, start running errands for money, start being extremely cautious with money. Why the revelation? I fussed about how envious I am towards other kids who are so much more privileged, money and all, seems like their lives are so much fun and joy and glam, and mine just pales into boredom and planktonity. But what can I do man? I am not like them, I am not them, I can only live within my means! ZWY, please get this into your head, u are not like them, u are underprivileged and it is OK, stop feeling inferior because of this, start working hard for yourself, and for your parents who put up with multiple times of my negativity when they worked for a better life for me. rants. start saving more money and read more books you idiot moron.

I AM SUPER DEPRESSED

2010-11-27T17:41:00.002+08:00

THN AGAIN MAYBE NOT SUPER(EMPHASIZE) DEPRESSED, BUT I AM DEPRESSED. I CANNOT GO JB WITH MY BLOCK AGAIN(UNDERLINE). NOT THAT I SO LOOK FORWARD TO GOING OUT WITH MY BLOCK, BUT SECOND TIME IN A ROW MAN, CROSS MY HEART I AM SO SUEI. I SHALL NOT BLAME THE SOURCE OF MY MISERY BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL, BUT I FEEL SO DEPRIVED BECAUSE OF THIS. I AM SOCIALLY HANDICAPPED WOEFULLY DOUBLED BY THIS SHORTCOMING. O.M.G.I AM REDUCED TO WORM STAGE TO BE ONLY ALLOWED TO WORK AND NO JOY. THIS IS MY LIFE. MY WORKFILLED LIFE OF NO HAPPINESS NO FUN AND NO LOVE. IF I CAN CRY I WILL CRY MYSELF A RIVER TO DROWN MYSELF IN.

As a reply to the previous post

2010-11-14T14:19:00.002+08:00

hey hey, I am feeling happy and excited again. Geez, mood swing much.

I don't know, got a message from my friend telling me how she's going to experiment with her new shampoo coz it kind of has a cooling effect, somewhat like the one we had during my last haircut, which made me want to instantly get my hands on one of those.

Now, I have something to do. Aha, get my hands on that bottle of crazy brain freezing shampoo!

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

2010-11-14T13:47:00.002+08:00

Have this sense of disintegration lately, dun really know how to put it into words, just this feeling of "modularity" maybe, that everything is disconnected from each other. "modularity" may not be the best word, coz it's supposed to be desirable, computing-wise, but breaking my life down into blobs and parts is totally not making me happy. I am actually tired of my life, really tired, to the point that I do not want to wake up to each new day.

Because, honestly, my life is boring. It is harsh but yes, it is boring. And it bothers me even more when those people that I perceive as undeserving seem to have a more enjoyable life than me.

I kept telling myself that I don't have the means to own those joys yet, and it is not right to splurge using my parents' money, although I do spend quite a bit on this and that. But, my life nowadays is really just me and my laptop. I feel no passion, no connection, no life. I thought I could love what I am doing, but I just don't feel this love at all.

But then again, it's not worth it if it's not difficult. And loving something don't come to you just like that, who am I to be so privileged? Anything I want, I have to work for it, if not, it is not worth wanting. Branded stuff? Shopping?? pfft...out of mind and out of the window, whatever that can be bought with money will arrive when money start to arrive. And I totally need to get into the game to grab all that money.

Have to adjust this laid-back attitude of mine, how can I get myself out there if I am always falling back into my crib, into the harmless embrace of home? I need to get myself out there, scarred, wounded and learned. If not, what's the point of living?

Been listening to the song "If I die young", it is not as depressing as the title suggests, but then again, sometimes it is. "I've had just enough time". No I don't, I have so much time, that I could afford to waste them. Isn't it ridiculous in all senses? I even made a wallpaper out of a quote "waste time and all you are wasting is yourself". Bloody hell, that is bloody smack on the face. But I think I need harsh words and harsh actions, because in my whole life, everything is wrapped around softly and lovingly, I have no anger nor drive in me to do anything great.

while I know that I can do great things, I totally can, I just need to get myself out there.

去死吧啦啦啦

2010-11-13T15:06:00.001+08:00

2.欢迎光临

老师说天生我才必有用
老板说你这蠢材没路用
每天重覆着说欢迎光临
到底算不算是一种才艺
我很着急还要重覆着说欢迎光临
多久才能得到一点尊敬
最讨厌这个社会太不公平
最讨厌老板活像个神经病
把自己当皇帝把员工当奴隶
没事乱发脾气有事不见人影
自以为了不起碎碎念大道理
谁不知道你有的只是运气
所以你去死吧别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临谢谢光临
本是同根生相煎何太急
欢迎光临谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意但求无愧我心
牧师说上帝是公平的来信靠祂吧
比尔盖兹说well，人生是不公平的习惯接受吧
我当真有十万个为什么为什么
为什么要长那么多那么多青春痘
为什么我不会打篮球不能当model
为什么电脑坏了要我修唱KTV没有约我
最讨厌没有女朋友最讨厌听到分手的理由
你星座跟我犯冲你老母太难伺候
个性不合无法沟通性别不合难以强求
你的世界我不能懂你的手机我不能碰
你不爱我勉强接受爱我朋友谁不发疯
转载来自 ※Mojim.com　魔镜歌词网
所以你去死吧别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临谢谢光临
天涯何处无芳草何必单恋一枝花
欢迎光临谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意但求无愧我心
我妈说人哪要穷的有骨气
老婆说小孩没钱买玩具
我以为每天拼命工作的人总有天享乐
谁知道做到死也没人给我慰问
每天忍这个(忍这个) 忍那个(忍那个)
忍到吐血还被当成垃圾
最讨厌看到跑车最讨厌贵妇的眼神
最讨厌听到有钱人说他不快乐
我想请问你要的快乐到底有多快乐
那么不满足的人干脆去扒粪
如果你像我水深火热在烂泥里打滚
你的要求和欲望就不会再那么愚蠢
所以你去死吧别再说一堆屁话
仿佛全世界的人都要在意你的想法
所以你去死吧别再当我是傻瓜
你还怕没人知道你是王八
欢迎光临谢谢光临
千金难买早知道万般无奈皆可抛
欢迎光临谢谢光临
凡事岂能尽如人意但求无愧我心

queer

2010-11-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

I have to watch this gay sitcom/drama wadever for my paper due next week, zomg, culture shock. It's weird to see one guy smooching another guy, usually one older and one in his teens, and saying things like "im gonna fuck you all night". culture shock. I have nothing against gays or lesbians, it's just sexual orientation smth we hav no control about. But why do we have homonegativity?? especially against gays and less towards lesbians? I've only just realized that the lumping feeling I sense in my guts is socially inculcated, something I am totally neutral about, but conditioned to feel so by all sorts of influences. ok as long as it's two humans smooching, I have no problem.

2010-10-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

eee sian, i think my dance so seh, nua like a piece of shit. jialard. how to perform lidat, nobody want to look at me!
Hardcore, JIAN FEI plus abs training, plus dance pracs. I don't care, I must at least be good at smth i want to be good in.

Whatever

2010-10-25T16:06:00.002+08:00

I shall not take any negative feelings. Let them bounce away. Negativity is a waste of energy. If it's tiring, and u wonder why u take it up in the first place, don't, scrap that thought, it's a waste of mind energy. I don't understand how people can keep up a pretense that is so real. What's wrong with showing grumpiness when u are really grumpy? Why laugh so heartily when u are actually brooding negativity? So contradicting! And I'm glad u didn't flare up even though u felt like it, coz it would have hurt, but on the other hand, it might have been better if u did, coz I can then confront u in the face, thn I wouldn't have to dissipate this hating u because u hate me thing. Anyways, dwelling in such a mind is of no use. I am going to conquer what's infront of me, coz that's the only task I need to take care of, I don't have to bother about hunger, cold, having no roof over my head, all I need to think of is how to do my assignment well, isn't that a blessing already? And the trust that my dad has in me, I must take it seriously, even if that means i have to drag myself up everyday, exhausted or not, because my dad's trust is worth it. Now I feel a little better, and if u my fren happen to read this, stop being such a phony, and show me ur true feelings if u deem me as a real friend.

noooo

2010-10-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

i am mother tired after screwing up my practical exam as usual, mugging the whole night away in the library. I am further pissed off from reading the article about the feminine mystique. I have a million things to study. and opening facebook to see the strawberry game photo just turn off, hate facebook, hate strawberry game.

Hey~~~ It's my birthday!

2010-10-06T03:16:00.003+08:00

I am **!!! zomg freaking old!
I sincerely thank all my lovely friends who wished me well one way or another. Im not a birthday person, don't so much celebrate it really, but I enjoyed the birthday song and presents and the time u guys spent to do it. I gan dong many many :)

Since I am so freaking old alr, I nid to have goals in my prime years which are short and gonna end soon. soon my prime will be over haiz.

THis upcoming year, I want to be damn good in what Im passionate about, my course, my dance, myself, and family and friends. And maybe probably if luck favours me, get a cute boyfriend, but that can't be compelled, so it's just fate. And i want tone and long legs to complement my toned and beautiful body which I happen to want to achieve too.

So yup, more discipline pls u old woman, and pls pls pls manage ur tell better. and pls pls pls learn some ways of the world so that u don't come across as a small kid.

Why is it so weird to listen to sex talk while

2010-09-24T23:47:00.001+08:00

with parents around. As much as I try to pull a straight face, it is just weird.

It is universally weird! But why??

Is it because Parent’s carnal pleasure = me?

Is it weird for them when I’m around when they listen to sex talks…..

No I’m not obsessed about sex.

Oh, and back to my stupid 2000 word essay.

wtf

2010-09-20T16:46:00.001+08:00

this is what i call spoil market : http://blog.nus.edu.sg/iamhexuan/
she freaking can do all adobe stuff, plus maya plus this and that, no need to take nm2208 alr wad. zzzz. she machiam come in and teach pls. And woalah, she has been freelancing since secondary school, make me question what have i been doing? ccb.
OK! I am gonna work mf hard....

zooms

2010-09-17T02:38:00.001+08:00

And here I am, all alone in the lobby.

Been one year and a little bit more since I joined KR, (no this is not a overflowing sentimental post), just feel that despite the time and frustrations sometimes, and the wee expensive fees, there are really more priceless things that couldn’t be bought. I don’t regret the decision, but I think it’s time for a change..

Photos!

2010-09-11T20:28:00.001+08:00

Before I sloth my night away in java and linked lists, I shall post my beautiful photos. :D

Just received it in the post, my grandpa spent a few hundred RMB just to send it over…zzz…there should be discounts for senior citizens!

Yup. Although the poses and the dresses and the settings are, KITSCHY, yes this is a new word I’ve learnt from school, but I am just chio. I mean, Look at THAT! ignore the big-small eyes, they are due to bad eye make up and the fake eyelash dropping down.

Anyhow I think every girl should have an album like this. It makes you feel good about yourself. Or if you don’t need it to help you feel good, you can always show it off to those who don’t have.

Dreams Dreams Dreams Dreams

2010-09-11T11:02:00.001+08:00

If I could, I would totally just live in my dreams, it’s much more exciting than real life as I am living right now. Last night’s dream is still revolving in my mind, and I would give anything to make it come true.

The story goes largely like this:

My sudden desire to go to Japan, I felt as if I had to go, for some reason I cannot explain. So I managed to convince someone, and my parents, somehow, and yes I was heading to the airport in a huge taxi containing people in different sizes, literally. And so I arrived in Japan, and I roam around speaking my broken Japanese, until I met this guy whose name I remember vaguely was Hanto. So he happened to be able to read my sign languages and he brought me around, until at night I had to find a hotel to settle down, he offered his home. I gladly accepted seeing no visible danger I followed him to his house and this is where the story start to get exciting.

Hanto belong to a family of many many family members, each has their own special abilities, but all damn goodlooking, wakakka, its MY dream. The feel is like watching some anime, somewhat like Fushigi Yuugi, like you are surrounded by talented good-looking people who all happen to be interested in the boring you. That sounds very Otaku-ish. but nvm it doesn’t happen in reality, but it can happen elsewhere. So begins my interesting trip in Japan’s mysterious world!

I went to their amusement park, which is hideously designed and horrifyingly fun. The most memorable one is one where a handful of people lie about in the centre of this muddy disk, and then the disk will start turning, and there will be short walls that overlap each other with a small gap in between. As the disk turns faster and faster, we will start spinning around together with the mud, and naturally will collapse into the short walls, the main point is to slide yourself through the gaps in between and find the slide that leads back to the ground, not all gaps lead you to a slide, that’s the catch. Basically alot of spinning.

Those were the ones that I am sure had been in my dream, but I have that feeling that my dream is definitely more than that, just that I can’t remember, it is a magical dream, and I remember the first thought I had after opening my eyes is to make this dream into a game. It’s a thought hard to convey. But I am glad I had this dream. If only I am so daring in person as I was in my dream.

Nightmare after meal

2010-08-29T02:20:00.001+08:00

just woke up after a nap after i ate my gruesome magee (actually not that gross, jus that the dream was quite weird and horrific).

I had a little bad dream, it was just weird beyond description.

I dreamt that someone stole in my room and melted my laptop down to a morbid looking pulp, still retaining its case color.

Distance

2010-08-27T01:40:00.001+08:00

Idk, i think its scary to know someone too well.

My time is MY time

2010-08-23T23:52:00.001+08:00

no, I refuse to go simi gala dinner, waste my time and money. SOrry ppls. I don’t think you will miss my presence for that one night, and I can channel that 55 dollars to better use. toodoos suckers, have fun.

2010-08-15T02:24:00.002+08:00

Was just looking at some fb photos, suddenly it dawned on me tt the reason why I appear ginormous on pictures is partly because the skinny little girls like to hide behind me!! What a bunch of complicated organisms, u are alr so skinny why hide half ur ass behind mine? Taking photos shouldn't it be honest memorial for tt moment, the intentional angle-ing and positioning so tt u could look even skinnier n by contrast I look even bigger, what's the point of taking pictures anymore??? Irritated. Nvm I embrace my Lublub wholesomely because they are just plain beautiful!

2010-08-12T22:29:00.001+08:00

random one

2010-08-12T22:23:00.001+08:00

Just for laughs!

Sleepless nite

2010-08-10T01:44:00.001+08:00

I guess it’s the milo I drank just now that’s keeping me awake. Darn, I have a early lecture and a long day ahead. Not doing much, was reading some girl’s blog just so I can fall asleep, but it turned out interesting. Sometimes I wonder, how do you classify someone as ‘normal’? Is it maybe he/she does the same ‘in’ things everyone else does, like going to clubs and going on holidays with their friends, that makes you the ‘normal’ crowd? I do neither, that makes me ‘abnormal’ i guess. And I’ll just leave it like that.

Krohanga!!!!

2010-08-07T13:32:00.001+08:00

Nth much to say except, I AM FUCKING PROUD to have been part of KR Rag Dance 10/11.

NO way man

2010-07-29T03:17:00.001+08:00

If it was one year back, i might probably just accept it. But no, I refuse to accept ppl’s arrangement for me without pushing it. Sorry but just no way am I gonna stand one side like a retard.

The A-Team

2010-07-25T23:53:00.001+08:00

HOHOHO, I FUCKIN LOVE MOVIES LIDAT!!! WOOT!! GOD I WISH TO BE ONE OF THEM. SHIT AWESOME!!!

Photos again. :P

Went to this tourist attraction place called 国色天香, there were rides and everyth but I didn’t ride on any, technically because I have old people in tow, but honestly because I actually is quite scared. Ha. Anyhow, love the sheer bigness, that’s something you don’t see in sg, no offence, but sg is tiny. Pardon the countryside look, I don’t bother to dress up, coz once again I am with old people in tow, I look perfect to them even if my face is meshed up, plus I don’t really need to dress up, I am just beautiful as I am. No joke.

Anyhow, gonna move in to hall tmr, superbly reluctant, oh well what can I do, last year in hall. Shall get a private jet next academic year.

Just heard today that someone from Sheares hall committed suicide just recently. As someone who don’t know shit about the person, I wouldn’t say things like “oh so sad”, “oh he took the easy way out”. Everyone has suicidal thoughts, I even came up with “interesting ways to die” at work two years ago. Life is difficult, and it’s getting difficulterer. I’ve lived till now because I havnt met or encountered anything that would kill me, I plan to stay away from those things, but nothing is certain.

I am thankful for the peaceful and comfortable life I have led by far.

Photos

2010-07-25T00:30:00.001+08:00

My Mom brought me to take 艺术照, i have no idea what it’s called in English, photos turned out better than I thought, just that I havn gotten them yet, waiting for my grandpa to mail it over.

It’s my first time at a photo shoot, it is unnerving and the camera man didn’t help much by being bossy and impatient, the poses he made me do are beyond my comprehension, however they actually look nice in print, so I forget all the curse words I have to say about him. The purpose of this is to leave a photo memory of I look like now, and I should say I’m quite glad to have agreed to it, even though I don’t like to have makeup on my face and wigs on my head.

Amused because my Dad still thinks that the person on the photo is not me, he will quite often point at the photo and say “Who is that??”, and I would say “ME.”, and he replies “Impossible, it must be someone else.” Oh well, accept it, it is me, even though it doesn’t look like me, or the other way round.

I must say this…this..place..is doing quite well. For the few times I went down, there were quite a number of people being buzzed around to do make up, hairstyle, and pushed into rooms to take photo. I even saw this pregnant lady walking around in a costume that fully uncovers her protruding belly. I guess every girl would love something like this, keeping visual memories of youth and time.

Below are some photos I took while waiting for my turn, and 4 soft copies of how the actual photo looks like.

…wahahaha.

Procrastinating…

2010-07-23T17:14:00.001+08:00

I have one million lumps of things to post about, but I dun have the drive to do so. Yet I feel the more I procrastinate, the more I will start to forget, seeing how amazingly fast I forget things these days. The only excuse I have is that I havn been able to sort out my thoughts, I dun know where to begin and how to end.

Been back for just one day, I feel like I didn’t leave at all. The time I spent in Chengdu felt like a dream, sometimes I doubt whether I’d really left this place for real, or was it all part of my imagination.

Anyhow, I had been thinking that instead of seeing “forget” as a disability to remember, it is refreshing to think of it as the ability to disremember. Imagine having to remember everything single little thing about every single little thing, I forgets that thought immediately. I wonder how each time Shiqi can remember all the tiny things I used say and do, why spend so much memory space on such insignificant matters?? If only I could attach a USB to my head, I could have thumbdrives as hairs.

I hate the fact that school is starting….I hate the fact that my sem is going to be torturous like hell. woooo… guess it’s the same for everyone. When to get busy if not now???

and so im back

2010-07-22T02:39:00.002+08:00

quick post before i fall asleep on my thickened bed with 3 weeks of dust.

i am now back in spore, i am heartbreakingly missing my home now...i could cry you a river..I am not used to the driver on the right side, not used to not listening to my vulgar-sounding dialect, not used to the cleanliness, i miss chengdu already.

thn again, when i was there, i super missed singapore too, i missed my friends, i missed my Dad, i missed internet....

been living on cloud nine for the past 3 weeks, takes a bit of getting-use-to living back on the ground, school's starting and I havn started researching on modules. ralalala.

anyhow, many stuff to post about my beloved city, the land of good food and living buddhas haha, i myself is a pig turned holy. weee

Mini thoughts and goodbyes

2010-07-04T15:30:00.002+08:00

Hey, in a pretty weesh, FOC is over. Done is the job of Games Ic, and it's always till the very end do I start to actually like what I was doing. I could still recall the awkward silences when it started out when having meeting with 2 unfamiliar people, my fellow gamesic ZQ and Jason. and when I trace the entire flow from the most historic form of our games flow to the actual ones carried out in the past week, the changes were amazing, and I couldn't believe WE did that. I was actually rather proud despite the fact that, y'know, I was a pretty big slacker and ZQ and jason did most of the tiresome work. But hey, I'm the only girl, haha, and that makes me excusable.

Anyhow, the camp ended nicely last night at the wee hour of 10pm with our awesomely wonderful EXCO performance in which I played a small part of choreographing a dance to the song "I Will Survive", and I loved my fellow Awesome Girls (URIRA: AWESOME GIRLS!!!) and it is aptly OUR dance. And Michael Jonah just poached my eyeballs away because he is just suavingly handsome for that matter. William's saxophone performance is also eye opening and fame-uppingly attractive. Hey yo, SoC is as fun as any other, if not more, and I do love the friends I have made even if they are not the "COOLEST" people. And HuiYun and YiJia and me are like copies of each other coz we just love all the same things.

Apart from the friends I've got to know better through this experience, the job itself also pretty much gave me a different view to things. I have been an OGL before, but I've never been a game master until this camp. Having fun and make other people have fun are two entirely different concept. Not only do I have to make clear the instructions in the shortest time possible, I need to coordinate my helpers, get a clear view of the whole game play and watch out for everybody's safety and fun level at the same time. Of which I honestly believe I did a really good job. :D

Also, before this I simply hate doing menial "saikang" stuffs for any other people, really, I HATED it. but now I am actually pretty fine with it, as long as what I do is contributing to the "greater good". Stuff like tying waterbombs (1000+ of them and still not enough WTF!), cutting strips of paper, sticking pieces of paper all over the school yadda yadda, and all at the crazy hours when others are either already asleep or are still sleeping. But hey, if I am gonna be a part of something, I better make sure I am an asset and not a liability. It's better to be highly demanded for than to be hung aside being good at nothing. something I learnt is that I should give and do my best at the moment that I am doing it, and not come to later and apologize saying "sorry for screwing up", it's ridiculous and I honestly despise it.

Having some withdrawal feelings now, and I really do hope that our FOC Exco Com stays tight after the camp, and outings should be planned asap coz I'm missing them all already.

In about 10 hours time, I'd be on the plane back home, like FINALLY~~~ it has been a long 5 years since I last returned and I am mad excited!!!

RomeoXJuliet

2010-06-27T21:59:00.002+08:00

It's a pretty good anime, except the fact that both still died in the end...

anyhow, i don't believe in sacrificing one for the happiness of all, to me, it is clearly happiness for all or happiness for none, we can't build happiness upon one person's pain and anguish. Having said that, can you people stop sacrificing yourself for the sake of other people!? it's freaking sad and I just can't appreciate whatever eternal bliss after both of you died.no such thing, uuurgh, credits to the producer for staying true to the original storyline, that is nobody dies except the two most important people. maybe it is how storywriters end their stories, by killing their leading man and woman, coz if not the story goes on and on, yup a bunch of my wishful thinking, and I really wished that they didn't die. oh my........ tiny sob.

good anime overall though, highly recommended.

2010-06-27T03:10:00.002+08:00

Hey, haven't blogged for some time. Not in the mood to complain about anything, that's a good thing I guess. Been wriggling with joyful energy nowadays, practising the choreos I have learnt from dance class, it makes me happy. Camp is next week, nothing much to say about it actually except that I should do my best to make it successful since I did commit most of my holidays to it. (pink panther on the radio now :])
after the camp, I'm gg back to china like finally. This time to a new house, not that anticipating it cuz it's away from the city unlike my old house which is just minutes away from the town area where i could eat myself ballooned. Oh well I'll see what I can do about my meals, guess I have to make compromises. I want to explore the place on my own, honestly, without my mom, she's abit of a cold blanket and too safe for any adventure. Yet I'm a little scared coz it's an unfamiliar place, and not as safe as Singapore.

Oh well nities.

2010-06-25T04:08:00.001+08:00

"Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."

Stop complaining!!

2010-06-21T18:32:00.002+08:00

I seriously think Singapore breeds people who only knows how to complain but are too humji to do anything about it. And they don't like to be called humji! but they are bloody humji. What's the use to wasting time and complaining about things when you don't even intend to fight for whatever justice or injustice that you've encountered?! totally don't make sense wad. you complain so that ur can put ur story out there, and then wad? wait for other ppl to make right the wrongs done to u?? just speechless man.

once again, stop BLOODY COMPLAINING IF U DON'T PLAN TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. SHIT U!

Beer Fest

2010-06-21T15:32:00.002+08:00

Working is so not my thing anymore, I feel like an old lady after a few days of menial brainless work. Seriously the ang moh lifestyle is just too frivolous man, getting drunk and getting into fights. It's funny to watch tho, how crazy ppl can actually be, keep pushing the limits ppl, thanks for the good laugh. And vomits are bloody smelly. And I am amazed ppl can get drunk drinking beer, how many bottles did they really drink. Damn cheapo mentality leh, since beer at beerfest so cheap, I must drink until they dry even if I get wasted and embarrass everybody. chey.

anyhow, learnt a lesson, next time go to work, must settle all employment details properly before you work your ass off for anybody. Luckily this time we got trustworthy supervisor, unlike trish who is just plain suei. and yong hwee is a fucking pussy.

lastly, I hate empty promises and ppl who waste my time.

Li-Ninging

2010-06-17T01:06:00.002+08:00

Down for one and a half days of linesmening, easy job la actually, just that it gets boring after awhile. Especially if the players are unexciting. Been seeing alot of abs today, I am getting more and more ticko lol. I am way to tired to type coherently. Just must mention that I linesmened beside SUSILo and Lee Choon Wei's courts lol, wts. I mean I dun mind not linesmening for their matches, but at least let me watch properly on the seats rite, end up must do duty freaking next to them and must constantly resist the urge to look over or peek at them and concentrate on my own freaking line, with the crowd cheering like mad. zomg. anyhow good experience lar. ill write better once I get this over and done with. Right now, I am expecting to dream about white lines, shuttlecocks and abs.

Fancy how everything is so wonderful :)

2010-06-14T16:07:00.003+08:00

Great. It feels like after a 16 hr sleep, everything, really, Everything is wonderful. And I hope this feeling lasts.

The series revolves around vapid blonde and aspiring model, Deb Dobkins (played by Brooke D'Orsay in the pilot and in flashbacks), who is killed in a car crash. As her soul enters the gates of Heaven, she finds herself declared a self-centered "zero" (meaning she has performed zero good deeds and zero bad deeds during her time on earth; she is simply shallow) by the gatekeeper Fred. After not liking what she hears, she presses for a return to her former body, hoping to get back to Earth. Deb gets her wish, only to be brought back to life in the body of a recently deceased, intelligent, overweight lawyer named Jane Bingum. Initially horrified, Deb – in her new human form – discovers the meaning of inner beauty as she finds the ability to juggle legal cases, aided by her assistant Terri, while attempting to reconnect incognito with her still-grieving boyfriend, Grayson Kent, who just started working at Jane's law firm. At the same time, Deb begins to rediscover her past while learning more about her inherited body's current life and how Jane was treated when she was alive. In addition to former gatekeeper Fred (who was demoted to guardian angel and had been assigned to watch over her at the law firm), only Deb's long-time mortal friend Stacy knows Jane's true identity.

Super elated when I found out that Drop Dead Diva Season 2 is out!!! Claps fantastically!!!

It's a amazing drama with "a intrinsically well crafted storyline" (quotes myself haha). I don't think I should recount the entire story here because it will be an understatement, and YOU should really watch it to see for yourself. Once again, watching Drop Dead Diva magically makes me feel great, about myself, and about everything.

know what, I always feel that the characters in U.S dramas all have this way of speaking that is so ... refined. It sounds so fluent and they enunciate every word in a way that we could only fake it and fail it.

ROME! ITALY! NAPLES!

2010-06-14T13:48:00.002+08:00

I am reading this book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's an awesome book. Not only does it reek of quirky humor and hilarity, it also magically makes me feel very womanly, even sexy! (I'm gonna pretend nobd reads this) Really!! I was reading it on the bus, and all of a sudden because of the turn of story, I felt like kissing everyone I see. (and when a certain surprising person board the bus, I felt like smooching him ><, it was a emotional tug!) and it was freaking 7 am in the morning, usually I'd be dead sleeping swinging my head side to side and drooling myself silly, but I felt energetic and was bobbing up and down and laughing to myself on the bus at that inhuman hour. Power book totally.

and because of the book, I have this urge to go backpacking in Italy, to experience that beautiful country the author so fervently describes. There is this place in Naples that makes the BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD!!!! author's logic being, best pizza comes from Italy, best pizza in Italy comes from Rome, and best pizza in Rome comes from Naples, and this place sells the best pizza in Naples!!! oh wow! she loves her pizza and illusion-ed her pizza loving her back!!! double wow!! i wanna eat that pizza toooo!!!

secretly planning backpacking trip to Rome alr. even though I have never traveled out before. I should and I must, so I will. weeeee

side note, just came back from SoC precamp, beginning to love the FOC com :) :) and Im damn happy to have spoken to my sole dear lovely eyecandy :):):):):)

yay and badminton competition and beerfest this week.

Indicator zzz

2010-06-10T12:36:00.002+08:00

Had a dream last night, which I seriously think indicates I am getting over the top.

Dream first:

My good friend brutally snipping off my hair which I din noe was so long in my dream. Out of jealousy I guess. Then I got even by pulling hers out. Pretty much a bloody and stupid dream.

Now how this seem to be an indicator to me.

I mean recently I have received positive comments on how I look, and you know, increased attention because of it, yes ego boost ttm. But I shouldn't let it get to me, as in, I should maintain that looking pretty is second to alot of things. What I need most now is not just to look pretty. It's good feeling to be commended, especially by a hot guy, but ZWY u must remain calm!!! See in the dream, it's blatant that I imagined myself to be pretty enough to garner jealousy. That is soooo over the top.

So point of the post is that:

I must remain calm and sane and not go down the over-boosted ego route and end up feeling stupid about in the future.

ohm....

Ranting

2010-06-10T00:33:00.003+08:00

I have not ranted for so long, life has been great for just that weeny short period of time.

Actually if I were to ponder over what I want to rant about, they aren't really all that rant-worthy. I mean it's all about where you set the pass/fail line, sometimes I set it higher, so that I can be more tolerating and uncalculating, sometimes the line just drop low enough for a tiny ant to make me blow my top. Today, it's pretty much low, and my mom is the trigger.

I am 100% positive that my Mom is undergoing menopause. What else explains the quarrel over something that didn't even happen?! Just a passing remark saying that if my clothes hanging outside gets stolen, I should not be blamed because where else you want me to hang the clothes? and it's the thief who should be blamed what, rite? and there she goes....spewing her big ideals about how perfect I would be if I would just drop that bad habit of doing wrong things. I mean, WTF? doing wrong things is a bad habit??? I habitually do wrong things??? and if I change my ways, i will be perfect???

why must I be perfect??? I simply can't be perfect.. I am a flawful person and so are you! what's wrong with having loads of pimples? what's wrong not appearing on a school video that I happen to be watching? things are just the way they are!!!! stop asking me explain to you how and where I find all my songs and torrents and how come I have facebook and you don't.... it's essentially because you don't use the internet! and don't ask me to teach you internet because I already did!! you just need to read and click on the links, and it's just that fucking simple!

there and then my dad will chime in, telling me how a filial daughter should be. I should be obediently and quietly listening to them, with a dumb smile on my face just so to keep them happy. hello!!!! i'm sure that's not what being filial means. not in my book anyway. seriously I don't see why you can freaking tolerate my fucking shit piece cousin but still be able to find things to pick on me. by comparison I'm like bloody perfect against that piece of godforsaken poo pile. and yet, u can even start a quarrel with me regarding "WHAT IF my clothes get stolen!"

yea yea, i will be understanding. I will keep all I have to say here and if you happen to read it, which is near impossible, because even if I leave it on in your face you won't bother reading it but will just demand that I explain it to you. I snorts.

oh well, retail therapy tomorrow.

2010-06-03T01:06:00.002+08:00

hahahha third post

digimon is just bland...I watch for the evolution only. zzzz

abit hard to find anime that is up for my tastes nowadays. really...some are just bland and normal and inferior larrrr...

in which case, I think digimon is pretty well done considering the target audience is 10 years younger than me now lol, zomg freaking old, I should watch some adult films befitting my age.

anyhow, now i watch for different things in anime compared to before. like how the plot unfolds, how they 伏笔 and make connection later. see, that is some standard lol.

2010-06-03T00:58:00.002+08:00

Oh most mention worthy, lol, Brandon just keep saying im "beautiful", i laugh madly and uncontrollably. Yay good job keep it up!! wahahaha

slightly amused at their affair at supperclub according to jess. actually very amused. but then, find it abit sad for w. oh well, which is why i rather keep myself away from such things, easier to stand on the sidelines n watch. awkward much i imagine for them. look forward to updates, JESSLAI! ehehehe

LONG overdue post

2010-06-03T00:24:00.002+08:00

While watching digimon, I shall recount the recent happenings.

first things first, results. It is utmost frustrating how I have no A, I expected at least 3 of them. Shen me da bian. But I successfully got rid of 1231, that calls for a party, weee. Anyhow, I shudder at the prospect of another stressful school sem upcoming.

Camp Blue Blood last week. It was nice. To get the full KR experience, I should at least go for CBB once, even though not as a freshie. I am no longer a camp person I realized, I no longer enjoy the dayless nightless activities and merry-making as much as I used too, getting old... but making more friends is still fullfilling as ever. Upcoming camps are much much procrastinated, totally no mood to go for camps, yucks. Faculty camp suck my balls u idiot asshole....zzzz...rant rant rant...

Now I am a senior, I look back at my freshmen year, it came n went so freaking fast. I have done somethings I have always wanted to do, and I have done some stupid enough things that cost me greatly. But this is how life is supposed to be right, make hell lot of mistakes haha, and do stupid things while I can afford to rite. Even though sometimes i regret doing the stupid stuff, but aiyo whats done can't be undone. Just prevent it from happening again in the future. zbzbzbzbz

right after camp, I had 2 days of flea, quite an interesting experience imo. first day was at kbox@cine, freaking 8 storeys up in the air, where got people organize flea in such a place one?? No foresight entirely. so first day is 0 sales, zbzbzbz. BUt there was free kbox, so we just spammed. As much as someone laughs at my singing, I still think tt my singing not bad lor. There was this other tenant her singing is out of this world la, omg, like heart-attack + asthma altogether, should totally have recorded her 当你。。。just jing dian. lol. Then when this 2 person were singing 为你了而活, lol Stepf just "我不要为了你而活". at least my voice is pleasant.

Thereafter second day we got a free space at Scape Youth Park as compensation for the 0 sales on first day, I actually sold quite alot of my old clothes, happy. There was this Auntie who piss the shit out of me, just sai 2 dollars into my hand and took my shirt away, when I insisted 5 dollars. New tactic learnt, bruteforce.

thn, i was sick for 5 days. urrrgh. being siiiick is sian, when there's nbd to take care of you. nobd to cook for me, nobd to take my temperature, it's just me and my lappy in my sick bedroom nursing my burning forehead. wow, it's not that sad actually, but it would have been nice if I had someone bustling around me taking my temperature, feeding me medicine yadda yadda. ohwells.

anw, gg rollerblading tmr!!!! eggCITED!

mua

2010-05-21T19:48:00.002+08:00

took one whole day to iron my 'sell pile', wa ironing is a bitch! my right shoulder is minorly dislocated. and my iron is a killer weapon seriously, keep getting scorched, @#$#@%$#@!!@#

anyhow, after ironing my clothes, they suddenly seem more want-worthy, probably up the price by 50 cents for my ironing efforts. I won't even price them high because seriously I don't wear them anymore, I might as well be paying people to help me get rid of them, my main intention is to get rid of them. buhbye suckers!!! weee

seriously looking at all the stuff I've bought over the years, it's pretty much a shame. as much of a utilitarian, I am shocked to have so many things that I have never worn. I couldn't understand why I bought them. I hope my potential good-hearted customers have eyes of jewel and see the beauty in my stuff.

yay going swimming, hope the pool is not crowded and i don't sink

2010-05-21T00:12:00.002+08:00

omg i am torn i am torn.....shud i go sch tmr??

it's duty against wishes....

nvm, i shall reply after i wake up tmr.

i feel like lazing away tmr, but games is wat i signed up forrrr, and i shud do my job properly.

yucks....

2010-05-19T01:15:00.001+08:00

omg i think i need man's pants to contain my fat ass butt..........fml

2010-05-17T17:01:00.002+08:00

ew my bank account balance is very depressing :(

i wanna high paying job for god sake.

tuition is good money but its no biggie if its 1 hr per week at 25ph.

2010-05-17T14:18:00.000+08:00

"因为有太多无聊的人用吃奶的力气互相攻击，我就纳闷了，这些人为什么没被气球给砸死，没被唾沫给淹死，被皮卡丘吓死。明明没必要存在在这个世界上，非要写点儿歌来污染大气。"

超级搞笑ttm!!!!

2010-05-15T21:02:00.002+08:00

hahaha i got my phone back.

There really are good samaritans around.

Altho the man seemed reluctant and pissed off, THANK U SO MUCH LADY!

I'm sorry i put u through two days of struggle and I applaud your kindness in deciding to do the right thing.

I am gonna strap my phone to the bottomless pit of my being so that it will never drop out of my pocket ever again!

feels great :)

and all phones should get EMOJI! its damn freaking cute.

2010-05-13T16:49:00.002+08:00

i amaze at my stupidity.

i amaze at how the day could start out so well, and take a sharp turn into screwality just like that.

what happened?

I lost my phone. :)

The course of losing it is simple. it slipped out of my pocket. Stupid phone.

oh well, I have beaten myself up a hundred million times already, I could really use some consoling. :)

Then I shall rant. Me hate Singtel to eternity and beyond. Singtel has no compassion and have no interest in their customer. I hereby condemn singtel's services and all peripheral whatever shit they have. You really think a simple "i'm sorry to hear that mdm" could solve my problem? No, it doesn't, and the constant upping the price I have to pay is even hair-grippingly irritating. Hello! 600 bucks??!! 300 of which is tips for yall! you think I have no idea. SUCK MY TOILET BOWL U MONEY SUCKING IDIOTS! you have just chased away a valuable customer. and i'm never gonna look back.

oh wells, still I am the ultimate sucker.

why do I keep doing stupid things????

If I were to recount the lame things I have done, I could take one million years.

Seriously, nobody did it TO me, i brought it UPON myself each time!

The horror...

when it dawned on me, I felt sooooo bloody horrible, I felt like biting myself.

what's bloody wrong with me????

on the other hand, I don't want to beat myself up too much. It's really not the end of the world. Losing a phone is really painful (losing an iPhone is even more so), it's like losing an organ. I shall for now enjoy my 24 hours of phoneless solitude, till tmr when I reconnect with the world using my laocock phone.

seriously, I cannot settle for a non-iPhone phone, I really can't. iPhone has soooo made my life better, I simply can't do without it.

oh wells, goodbye my old phone. I've used u for less than a year. and it's been pretty hectic with you around. yet I can't live without you. I'm gonna get a different you from a different provider soon even though your more advanced brother are coming out soon.

how much would like suck without a phone?

lemme get back to u. :)

GOOD MORNING

2010-05-13T09:35:00.002+08:00

while i was brushing my teeth, two things crossed my mind.

1) My pain-in-the-butt cousin will soon be GONE!

2)My new found understanding to the act of ''acting cute"

ahh, i can't begin to tell how much it means to me to be rid of the worm I call my cousin. It's been a good 3 years I had to put up with a big fat walking stranger with a freaking bad attitude and horrible brought-up. And now he's about to be gone, I actually feel a mixed tug of feelings. Honestly, he has been pretty nice to me some times,to the extend that made me consider patching things up with him. but it always falls short and I can never forgive him entirely. It just made me think back maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh on him then, and maybe our relationship could be better. And then, I look at how he treats my parents, that teeny bit of likening flies straight out of the window. Seriously if you want me to hate you for the rest of your life, just be mean to my parents. Oh wells, soon, very soon, HE WILL BE GONE!! smilie face x 1000000000000000000000000000000!!!!

secondly, my new found understanding of the act of 'acting cute'. Lately I have observed this act is actually a formidable weapon, even my Dad uses it sometimes, ha. Even though I used to despise such acts, I now see it differently. My theory "Acting cute is excusable when you did come across as cute, it is unforgivable when you fail." (wow, my worm of a cousin is talking loudly in his room, see this kind of small things gets on my nerves, and make me an evil old woman)

as such, good morning. and pasir ris later, major sun blast and sweat buckets I foresee. shudder shudder

2010-05-13T00:19:00.002+08:00

hahaha omg i can't believe what i just bought......:):):):)

i am laughing my ass off, and damn happy that i bought it.

hahahahahahhahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-12T00:14:00.002+08:00

lemme tell you what 'jealousy' is.

From wiki : Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

wow, in that case, mine is more of envy...but if my envy grows stronger, it will sooner or later become that whole bunch of negative feelings above mentioned.

right now, i envy this person who has smth that I want, but I can't have. :(

and it feels pretty awful to be enviousing aimlessly. there's pretty much nth i can do about it.

sad face x10000000000000000000000000000000000

KMA comclub

2010-05-11T00:19:00.000+08:00

I DIE OSO WONT GO FOR YOUR DUMB MEETING! KICK ME OUT NOW!

2010-05-09T22:30:00.003+08:00

First dance class today! (omg, my fingers are numb from playing guitar, swollen finger tips)

it was really FUN! omg. I was quite glad that I could keep up with the pace, and was pretty comfortable infront of the mirror. Not to forget the wonderful company BANANA CHOCOLATE FONDUE hahaha.

really, it's no wonder good dancers emit charm like nobody's business, because in dance, people really only look at GOOD dancers, nobody will bother to look at the lousy ones, so there is really no lose face factor, because nobody will bother, everyone is busy looking at the zai ones. anw my point is, in dance, you can only be good, if not there's no point dancing unless you dance for urself to see only. But anyway, so far so good, going again on TUES! muahaha, excited.

thereafter we went to DEMPSEY FLEA MARKET, woosh, it was fun! I din buy much tho, but the anticipation to find good and cheap stuff is enough to keep us going. lol, I walked to this table, and picked up this GUCCI bag, (which I din noe is gucci bcoz im brand unconscious) so I asked how much is it gg for, and the lady gave me 3 fingers, i went " :o 3 dollars???!!!" and she went "no 300". wow. thn she went on to tell me how unique and good that bag is and how worth it the price is, blah blah. oh well, my current flea-principle is "nth above 10". altho, it should be "cheap and good" but for all i know, that 300 bucks Gucci bag may be 'cheap and good" too, yet I can't afford it, so principles change to adapt to my financial ability. Anyhow, still love good fleas, and I'm looking forward to selling my old clothes, my little square of a room is running out of space, so much so that I'm overflowing to other rooms.

ahh. life is good these days. :)

Aircon, and freedom :):):)

2010-05-09T00:38:00.003+08:00

I AM FINALLY HOME!

After waiting my ass off, Danny finally showed up and helped me move my stuff home.

I am 100 million grateful!

thx thx thx.

zomg, really considering learning how to drive. even if no car, in such circumstances can still borrow people's car.

thn again, not practical.

learn dance and guitar first.

wow, one million things to learn.

ZHOU WAN YI: u must control yourself, I hereby warn you!

2010-05-08T17:33:00.001+08:00

nobody is unworthy :)

ip man

2010-05-03T12:48:00.002+08:00

can't get enough of ip man kicking ass. Just watched Ip Man 1, I feel inspired to learn 永春..

China's tumultuous history is deeply rooted in all our hearts (I hope), even though we had been bullied and suppressed and invaded so much, we are now on the rise again, and this time round, everyone watches in fear.

As a Chinese, the least I can do is to know who I am, and not be mislead by meaningless social stigmas and shallow stereotypes. All I can say is that those who don't recognize and treasure their heritage will one day be regretful. Those who turn with distaste at 5000 years of richness are just stupid inside-out. And those who take pride in the fact they can't even speak Chinese should be beheaded and publicly humiliated.

In this day and age, one can't reject a language or culture just because they killed and humiliated countless fellow countrymen decades ago. I have learnt both English and Japanese, and both the Anglos and Japanese have learnt Chinese. Despite the occasional internal tug, appreciating another's culture and communicating using their language has nothing to do with the grudge and hatred, which inevitably, still exist.

shameless much weeee, i might delete this post someday

2010-05-03T00:39:00.003+08:00

caught ip man 2, I like the fighting alot, totally regret why am I not a guy, and why didn't I learn kungfu, it would be so cool if I could smugly beat the crap out of you when I don't like you.

haha, my fren made out with a guy and she likes it ahahaha (winks at you). Yay.

Honestly, I also want. ><

And I want big arms, with sexy vein, and big chest muscles, no moobs and no tummy pls.

And a little bit of chest hair.

zomg...whoever reads this, don't judge me, it's biologically inscribed in me, you can contribute by helping me find.

and he must not be shorter or smaller than me.

woot.

2010-05-02T00:21:00.004+08:00

I have started planning my holidays already, with one impending paper still 4 days away.

anw, just a simple list:

1) things to buy

guitar (black colour)
roller blades
a cool haircut
a tattoo(?)
macbook?
new mobile plan

2) things to sign up for/learn

studiowu
culinary class
guitar
photoshop and illustrator
relaxing part-time job
give chinese tuition/give tuition ?

3) other misc. stuff

go kbox
Thaipan outing
go HOME!
JAY CHOU CONCERT
ROLLERBLADE
WINDSURF
DRAW

and so the list remains incomplete and awaits to be updated

2010-05-01T01:06:00.001+08:00

omg I JUST REALIZED:

I HAVE LONG HAIR!!!!

WO....